Facebook. You sneaky little jackass. I care about VERY few things, Facebook wise. I care about things that make me smile, my friend getting married, my nephew.
You know that neat little tool on Groupon or Amazon Local that asks you how you feel about certain subjects, then only gives you ads that you actually are interested in? My Facebook needs one of those.
Because I don't give a flying fart-monkey about my sisters'-friends'-baby doing dances on the bed. I don't give a fuck what she ate, when you two went to sleep, or how she sticks her tongue out. DO. NOT. GIVE. ANY. FUCKS. YES, God, I am interested in the pictures that my sister posts, in an album, of my nephew putting Sesame Street stickers on his belly. She doesn't feel the need to write an entire NOVEL on the way he arranged them or some such bullshittery.
The only reason I even know they exist is because Facebook is the tool of the attention whore, so even if you just want to post a quiet little picture change, Facebook announce that you have uploaded a new photo and changed your profile pic with all the enthusiasm of Seventh-Grade cheerleaders cracked out on pizza and soda at their first pep rally with a megaphone.
So I also must ask, how does one deal with That One Friend? You know, the one who is so desperately lonely he has to post everything all the time about his city that he loves and this new artbook he got and this cat that-isn't-his-but-his-roommates-and-he-can-now-totally-relate-to-being-a-cat-owner-because-of-all-the-times-he-sees-the-animal-in-the-hall. This wall is his journal. He even uses hashtags because he 'hates twitter' but will treat them like one and the same.
I spend my time looking at the giveaways and coupons posted to my wall, and then I see where he has said "It's a Beautiful Day in (the city where I live)" and I cross every blessed extremity in the hope that no one even gives him a damn 'Like' because then he will post three-six consecutive comments on his own status about the temperature, the cloud he saw, the way the sun looks from this angle and virtually any other thing that pops into his head. He has a significant inability to realize that the 'like' he has received is in appreciation, an agreement. As in, "Yes, it is in fact, a lovely day!" as opposed to "Goodness, you are correct! Please tell us more about this tiny town ten miles away from the rest of your friends and family! Scour your mind for every description of the weather!"
I log on Facebook to see celebrations and free things, but sometimes it is so difficult not to leave the repeating message "NO ONE CARES" on every status I see.
